Setting Boundaries with Difficult People

“Good fences make good neighbors”-Robert Frost

Boundaries Defined

What exactly is a boundary, when it comes to relationships?  Simply put, a boundary is a limit or space between you and the other person; a clear place where you begin and the other person ends.  Think of it as a fence in your backyard. You are the gate keeper and get to decide who you let in and who you keep out, who you let into the whole back yard, or who you let just inside the gate. You may still be keeping a distance, but you are giving them a chance to prove their trustworthiness both physically and emotionally. The purpose of setting a healthy boundary is, of course, to protect and take good care of you. 

Healthy boundaries do not always come naturally or easily. We learn to “be” in all kinds of relationships by modeling. In other words, by watching how others handle relationships. In early childhood, it is our parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, babysitters, and who ever else we were around on a regular basis. As we grow into adolescents, we rely less on parents and more on our friends to help us define ourselves and our boundaries or limits in relationships. If you grew up in a dysfunctional family, then chances are you have not learned how to set a boundary or even really know what it is. Learning to set our own healthy boundaries is an exercise in personal freedom. It means getting to know ourselves and increasing our awareness of where we stand and what we stand for. It means letting go of the unhealthy people in our lives so that we can grow into the healthy person that we were meant to be.

Poor Boundaries Defined

How do you know whether or not you are in an unhealthy relationship? Chances are, if you are in a dysfunctional relationship it will feel “normal” or even “comfortable” to you, if you grew up in a dysfunctional home. You may not recognize the signs, until you are well on your way to giving up your entire self for the other person. Below is a list of some of the characteristics of healthy and unhealthy boundaries.

Healthy Unhealthy
Feeling like your own person Feeling incomplete without your partner
Feeling responsible for your own happiness Relying on your partner for your happiness
Togetherness and separateness are balanced Too much or too little togetherness
Friendships exist outside of the relationship Inability to establish and maintain friendships with others
Focuses on the best qualities of both people Focuses on the worst qualities of the partners
Achieving intimacy without chemicals Using alcohol/drugs to reduce inhibitions and achieve a false sense of intimacy
Open, honest and assertive communication Game-playing, unwillingness to listen, manipulation
Commitment to the partner Jealousy, relationship addiction or lack of commitment
Respecting the differences in the partner Blaming the partner for his or her own unique qualities
Accepting changes in the relationship Feeling that the relationship should always be the same
Asking honestly for what is wanted Feeling unable to express what is wanted
Accepting endings Unable to let go

Setting Boundaries

To set boundaries, first we need to learn to communicate without blaming. In other words, stop saying things like: you make me so angry; you hurt me; you make me crazy; how could you do that to me after all I have done for you; etc. These are the very types of messages we got in childhood that have so warped our perspective on our own emotional process.  Instead use “I statements”: “I feel frustrated/angry when you ________ or when xyz happens”.  

Along with good communication, is honesty. Learn to say how you feel. Beating around the bush will not help you or your relationship in the long run.

It is impossible to set boundaries without setting consequences. If you are setting boundaries in a relationship, and you are not yet at a point where you are ready to leave the relationship then don’t say that you will leave. Never state something that you are not willing to follow through with. To set boundaries and not enforce them just gives the other person an excuse to continue in the same old behavior. For example: “If you call me names I will confront you about your behavior each and every time and will share my feelings with you. I will not tolerate verbal abuse. If you continue this behavior, I will weigh my options, including leaving this relationship. I do not deserve this and I will not put up with it any longer”.

“If you continue to break your plans with me by not showing up or calling me at the last minute to cancel, I will confront you about this behavior and share my feelings. If this behavior continues, I will consider it to mean that you do not respect me or this relationship and I will have no contact with you for a month, until we can both evaluate and figure out our priorities. If I chose to get back in touch with you, and the behavior continues, we will no longer be in any type of relationship together”.

“When I ask you what is wrong, and you say “nothing”, but then proceed to slam doors or kick the wall, and seem to be angry, I feel angry or frustrated  that you refuse to communicate properly with me as if I am supposed to read your mind. If something is bothering you, I will trust you to let me know after you have spent some time cooling off alone. If you continue to punish me with your silence or fits, I will tell you how it makes me feel. If this behavior continues, I will weigh my options for this relationship. I do not deserve this type of behavior and will not put up with it any longer”.

Setting boundaries is not about making threats. It is about giving them choices and then consequences for the poor decisions they make, much like we do with our parenting skills. We cannot be in a healthy relationship without appropriate boundaries.

HOW TO HELP A LOVED ONE: DO’S AND DON’TS

DO’S AND DON’TS FOR PROVIDING SUPPORT TO ABUSE VICTIMS

If you worry someone you care about is in an abusive relationship, there are steps you
can take to help. Consider the following do’s and don’ts when approaching a friend,
family member, co-worker, neighbor, or other loved one.

Do: 

  • Approach the other person at a time and place that is safe and confidential.

  • Start by expressing concern (i.e., “I am concerned someone may be hurting you,

    and I am worried about your safety.”)

  • Take the time to listen, and believe what your loved one says.

  • Communicate that you care about your loved one’s safety, that they do not

    deserve to be hurt, and that the abuse is not their fault.

  • Tell your loved one they are not crazy. A person who has been abused often

    feels upset, depressed, confused and scared. Let them know that these are

    normal feelings.

  • Tell them good things about themselves. Let them know you think they are

    smart, strong and brave. Their abuser may be tearing down their self-esteem.

  • Respect the victim’s choices.

  • Encourage them to build a wide support system. Help find a support group or

    encourage them talk to friends and family.

  • Be patient. Self-empowerment may take longer than you want. Go at the

    victim’s pace, not yours.

  • Connect them to domestic violence resources. In Dane County, you can give

    them the number to the DAIS 24-hour Help Line: 608-251-4445 (800-747-
    4045). If your area does not have its own Help Line, you can direct your loved
    one to the
    National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE.

  • Consider calling your local domestic violence Help Line yourself — not on behalf
    of your friend, but to learn more about the kinds of help available, to ask
    questions specific to your situation, and to learn how you can be an effective and
    supportive ally 

Do Not:

  • Do not accuse, diagnose, or judge your loved one’s choices; do not draw
    conclusions about what they may be experiencing or feeling; and do not judge or
    criticize their abuser.

  • Do not pressure your friend to leave the abusive relationship. There are many
    reasons they may be
    choosing to stay. It is possible their abuser has threatened
    to hurt them or their children if they try to leave. The abuser may control all of
    their finances and may have isolated the victim from friends and family, leaving
    the victim with very few resources of their own. The abuser may have promised
    to change, and the victim may still love him/her. It is never as simple as
    encouraging a victim to “just leave”—but by all means, communicate to your
    loved one that help does exist, and that people in their community care about
    them and their children and want them to be safe.

  • Do not feel the need to be an expert. Do not try to provide counseling or advice,
    but do connect your friend to trained people who can help. In Dane County, the
    best place to start is the DAIS 24-hour Help Line: 608-251-4445 (800-747-
    4045). Outside of Dane County, you can call the
    National Domestic Violence
    Hotline
    for referrals to resources in your area 

 “The Sociopath at the Breakfast Table.” By Jane McGregor & Tim McGregor

Excerpt: The Apath

In the context of any sociopathic interaction, we refer to an individual who colludes in the sport of the sociopath “apathetic,” or an “apath.” An apath is the type of person most likely to do the sociopath’s bidding. Being apathetic in this situation means showing a lack of concern for, or being indifferent to, the targeted person. In Chapter 2 we highlighted the importance of “seeing” the problem for what it is via the tale “The Emperor’s New Clothes,” which represents the collective denial and double standards that are often a feature of social life. The apath in this context is someone who is willing to be blind—that is, to avoid seeing or acknowledging that the emperor is naked.

Apaths are an integral part of the sociopath’s arsenal, and they contribute to sociopathic abuse; sociopaths have an uncanny knack of knowing who will assist them in bringing down the person they are targeting. It’s not necessarily easy to identify an apath from the outside. In other circumstances an apath may show ample empathy and concern for others, just not in this case.”

“The one attribute an apath must have is some connection to the sociopath’s target. Hence close friends, siblings, parents, and other close relations can become accomplices to the sociopath and be instrumental in the downfall of the targeted individual.

How apaths, who may otherwise be fair-minded people, become involved in such destructive business isn’t difficult to understand, though it can be hard to accept. The main qualifying attribute of the apath that renders him a willing accomplice is poor judgment resulting from lack of insight. This may be linked to reduced empathy for the targeted person. The apathetic person might bear a grudge, be jealous or angry, or have a sense of being let down by the individual concerned, and in consequence may be as eager as the sociopath to see the target defeated. Hence, the apath may be willing to join forces with the sociopath because he, too, has something to gain from the evolving situation. In other instances, the apath doesn’t want to see the “bad” in others, so he or she chooses not to see it. In still other cases, he might choose not to see because he has enough on his plate and doesn’t “want to see the “bad” in others, so he or she chooses not to see it. In still other cases, he might choose not to see because he has enough on his plate and doesn’t possess the wherewithal or moral courage to help the targeted person.”

“Usually, and whatever the reasons for his active or passive involvement, what happens during the course of interacting with a sociopath is that the apathetic person’s conscience appears to fall asleep. Apaths walk in and out of situations in a trancelike state. It is this scenario that causes some people to blindly follow leaders who are motivated only by self-interest. We sometimes excuse bullying, outrage, and even murder on the grounds that the leader knows best, even in his regard of the injured and maimed targets not as fellow humans, but as objects, as “it.”

“This behavior was demonstrated effectively in experiments carried out in the early 1960s. Yale University professor Stanley Milgram set up an experiment to test the human propensity to obey orders. A person playing the role of “teacher” was given a list of word pairs that he was to teach the “learner.” The teacher was then given an electric shock from an electroshock generator as a sample of the shock that the learner would supposedly receive in response to wrong answers.

The teacher began the experiment by reading the list to the learner. The teacher then read the first word of each pair and read four possible answers. The learner was asked to press a button to indicate his response. If the answer was incorrect, the teacher would administer a shock to the learner, with the voltage increasing incrementally for each wrong answer. If the learner’s answer was correct, the teacher would read the next word pair. The subjects believed that for each wrong answer, the learner was receiving an actual shock. In fact, there were no shocks.

“During the experiment, many people indicated their desire to stop and check on the learner, and some paused to question the purpose of the experiment. But most continued after being assured that they wouldn’t be held responsible. A few subjects began to laugh nervously or exhibit other signs of extreme stress after hearing staged screams of pain coming from the learner. If the subject indicated that he wanted to halt the experiment, he was given verbal instructions by the experimenter, in this order:

Please continue.

The experiment requires that you continue. 

It is absolutely essential that you continue. 

You have no other choice, you must go on.

If the subject still wished to stop after hearing all four instructions, the experiment was halted. Otherwise, it was stopped after the learner had (supposedly) been given the maximum 450-volt shock three times in succession. In the experiments, 62.5 percent of the “teachers” administered the experiment’s final, massive 450-volt shock, though many were very uncomfortable doing so.

Afterward, Milgram summarized the experiment in an article for Harper’s titled “The Perils of Obedience”:

“Ordinary people, simply doing their jobs, and without any particular hostility on their part, can become agents in a terrible destructive process. Moreover, even when the destructive effects of their work become patently clear and they are asked to carry out actions incompatible with fundamental standards of morality, relatively few people have the resources needed to resist authority.

Milgram’s experiments have been repeated many times, yielding consistent results. What this evidence suggests is that a person of authority can strongly influence other people’s behavior. This is relatively useful in one way, as it makes it easy for an authority such as a government to establish order and control. But in the wrong hands such power and influence can have catastrophic consequences. The dubious nature of Milgram’s experiments has attracted a great deal of ethical criticism, most importantly that he deceived the participants and didn’t take adequate measures to protect them—indeed, within the context of this book, you might be forgiven for thinking such rather callous experiments have sociopathic tendencies. “(Milgram’s defense was that the results were unexpected and that their “surprising nature, as much as the methods he used, may have evoked the criticisms.)”

“Apaths are portrayed in the 2008 film The Wave, by German writer, actor, and director Dennis Gansel, in which high-school teacher Rainer Wenger sets out to examine the issue of autocracy. His students, the third generation after the Second World War, don’t believe that a dictatorship could be established in modern Germany, so Wenger starts an experiment to demonstrate how easily the masses can be manipulated, rearranging the class on fascistic principles that include adopting a uniform, devising a salute, and excluding nonconformists. Most of the students follow the new rules (i.e., they are apaths—people who blindly adhere to authority)”

Meditation & Prayers

One way to meditate is to read these powerful words when you first wake up in the morning and before you fall asleep.

You may print them out and carry them with you. Be still after you read them. Close your eyes. Breathe. Relax. Connect with the divinity within you for at least 10 minutes, say a prayer and start/end your day.

I will be truthful.
I will suffer no injustice.
I will be free from fear.
I will not use force.
I will be of good will to all men.

-Mahatma Gandhi  

 

From The Sociopathicstyle.com

  

  Light cannot exist without darkness. Darkness is within us all; we are human. Anyone who vehemently denies that aspect of themselves is lacking spiritual knowledge of self, and is missing the opportunity to expand their consciousness. When we clearly see our participation in a dysfunctional relationship process, admitting that we were controlling, manipulative, hurtful, judgmental, self-righteous, or so forth we have a profound opportunity to grow spiritually —  to open our hearts even more. (Although, building a wall around our heart seems justifiable). We need both the light and dark to make amazing quantum leaps into a more fulfilling life. And some of us need a sociopathic experience that shakes us out of spiritual complacency. I also think this relationship dynamic presents a good opportunity to learn about fear-based belief systems that are very outdated and running in our subconscious minds. If we don’t have good tools, we will get sucked into destructive relationships again and again. Most of us are pulled into the Sociopathic Style from time to time and in varying degrees.  The key is to recognize it when we begin the cycle again. If it hurts enough, we will change without requesting someone else change for us. That doesn’t mean we have to stay with someone who is committed to the Sociopathic Style of relating. It means that we accept them for who they are and we love ourselves enough to leave and heal from the harmful dynamic. In other words, the lesson is over. We don’t need to learn from a painful relationship and we choose not to engage in the power triangle anymore, in any of the positions. We are no longer victims, rescuers or perpetrators. We choose healthy, loving supportive relationships. We feel safe and we learn to trust again.  

The Hare Psychopathy Checklist – Revised 

  1. GLIB and SUPERFICIAL CHARM â€” The tendency to be smooth, engaging, charming, slick, and verbally facile. Psychopathic charm is not in the least shy, self-conscious, or afraid to say anything.  A psychopath never gets tongue-tied. They have freed themselves from the social conventions about taking turns in talking, for example.
  2. GRANDIOSE SELF-WORTH â€” A grossly inflated view of one’s abilities and self-worth, self-assured, opinionated, cocky, a braggart. Psychopaths are arrogant people who believe they are superior human beings.
  3. NEED FOR STIMULATION or PRONENESS TO BOREDOM â€” An excessive need for novel, thrilling, and exciting stimulation; taking chances and doing things that are risky. Psychopaths often have low self-discipline in carrying tasks through to completion because they get bored easily. They fail to work at the same job for any length of time, for example, or to finish tasks that they consider dull or routine.
  4. PATHOLOGICAL LYING â€” Can be moderate or high; in moderate form, they will be shrewd, crafty, cunning, sly, and clever; in extreme form, they will be deceptive, deceitful, underhanded, unscrupulous, manipulative, and dishonest.
  5. CONNING AND MANIPULATIVENESS â€” The use of deceit and deception to cheat, con, or defraud others for personal gain; distinguished from Item #4 in the degree to which exploitation and callous ruthlessness is present, as reflected in a lack of concern for the feelings and suffering of one’s victims.
  6. LACK OF REMORSE OR GUILT â€” A lack of feelings or concern for the losses, pain, and suffering of victims; a tendency to be unconcerned, dispassionate, cold-hearted, and non-empathic. This item is usually demonstrated by a disdain for one’s victims.
  7. SHALLOW AFFECT â€” Emotional poverty or a limited range or depth of feelings; interpersonal coldness in spite of signs of open gregariousness.
  8. CALLOUSNESS and LACK OF EMPATHY â€” A lack of feelings toward people in general; cold, contemptuous, inconsiderate, and tactless.
  9. PARASITIC LIFESTYLE â€” An intentional, manipulative, selfish, and exploitative financial dependence on others as reflected in a lack of motivation, low self-discipline, and inability to begin or complete responsibilities.
  10. POOR BEHAVIORAL CONTROLS â€” Expressions of irritability, annoyance, impatience, threats, aggression, and verbal abuse; inadequate control of anger and temper; acting hastily.
  11. PROMISCUOUS SEXUAL BEHAVIOR â€” A variety of brief, superficial relations, numerous affairs, and an indiscriminate selection of sexual partners; the maintenance of several relationships at the same time; a history of attempts to sexually coerce others into sexual activity or taking great pride at discussing sexual exploits or conquests.
  12. EARLY BEHAVIOR PROBLEMS â€” A variety of behaviors prior to age 13, including lying, theft, cheating, vandalism, bullying, sexual activity, fire-setting, glue-sniffing, alcohol use, and running away from home.
  13. LACK OF REALISTIC, LONG-TERM GOALS â€” An inability or persistent failure to develop and execute long-term plans and goals; a nomadic existence, aimless, lacking direction in life.
  14. IMPULSIVITY â€” The occurrence of behaviors that are unpremeditated and lack reflection or planning; inability to resist temptation, frustrations, and urges; a lack of deliberation without considering the consequences; foolhardy, rash, unpredictable, erratic, and reckless.
  15. IRRESPONSIBILITY â€” Repeated failure to fulfill or honor obligations and commitments; such as not paying bills, defaulting on loans, performing sloppy work, being absent or late to work, failing to honor contractual agreements.
  16. FAILURE TO ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY FOR OWN ACTIONS â€” A failure to accept responsibility for one’s actions reflected in low conscientiousness, an absence of dutifulness, antagonistic manipulation, denial of responsibility, and an effort to manipulate others through this denial.
  17. MANY SHORT-TERM MARITAL RELATIONSHIPS â€” A lack of commitment to a long-term relationship reflected in inconsistent, undependable, and unreliable commitments in life, including marital.
  18. JUVENILE DELINQUENCY â€” Behavior problems between the ages of 13-18; mostly behaviors that are crimes or clearly involve aspects of antagonism, exploitation, aggression, manipulation, or a callous, ruthless tough-mindedness.
  19. REVOCATION OF CONDITION RELEASE â€” A revocation of probation or other conditional release due to technical violations, such as carelessness, low deliberation, or failing to appear.
  20. CRIMINAL VERSATILITY â€” A diversity of types of criminal offenses, regardless if the person has been arrested or convicted for them; taking great pride at getting away with crimes.The word psychopath can be replaced with the word sociopath throughout this page. The meaning is very similar, if not the same.

Dealing With A Sociopath  – 9 Important Rules To Follow ~ Dr. David Mc Dermott

If you think you are dealing with a sociopath in whatever kind of relationship, business, romantic, therapeutic or educational, here are some rules to follow (as much as is humanly possible!)

1. Get professional help 

This is an incredibly useful thing to do and very often overlooked when people are looking for help in dealing with a sociopath or a narcissist. Every step after this one becomes so much easier when you understand the motivations and tactics of the sociopath as well as how mind control works.

A therapist who specializes in this area will help you to understand the steps taken by the sociopath to capture you and manipulate you. This is important for several reasons. Firstly, it means you’re able to see the relationship for what it is, something totally false that the sociopath creates in order to manipulate your emotions.

Secondly, the sociopath loses his power over you. He can no longer manipulate you in the same way and the effect he has becomes minimal. 

This is really important because sociopaths like to dominate and control. When it becomes obvious to them that they are expending more effort trying to control you then it takes you to keep them away, they typically get fed up and move away to find easier prey.

2. Get professional help 

I know! But is so much easier than doing this on your own…

Sociopaths and narcissists install beliefs in their victims that they, the victims, are responsible for what happens to themselves and that they should be able to sort things out for themselves. This is enhanced when the person is isolated from family and friends.

Cult leaders also install a sense of superiority or elitism in the members. They do this firstly because the members become clones of the leader and the sociopathic leader believes he is better than others. And secondly because the members believe they know things that outsiders do not, or they know more than outsiders. Therefore how could someone outside the group help them?

Add to this a contempt for psychiatrists and psychologists because of comments by the leadership, and it becomes very difficult for victims to seek outside expert help in dealing with a sociopath.

3. Cease contact 

No contact means no contact. No phone calls, no text messages, no e-mails. As long as you continue to engage the sociopath they will continue to try and manipulate you. They have nothing better to do in their lives. In fact, often they will spend their lives trying to continue to manipulate you!

Sociopaths don’t have friends. They perceive others as victims or competitors, and the competitors typically end up as victims too, because the sociopath wants to win at all costs. 

Any contact is a sign for them that they still have a chance to continue to manipulate you. It’s absolutely useless to want to have the last word or to need to explain how upset you have been. You’re just giving them a chance to continue to play with your emotions, and the lack of empathy and guilt gives the sociopath an advantage that you will never have, and that you can never beat.

No ultimatums or power plays either. You are going to lose. Don’t waste your energy.

Of course, sometimes it’s simply not possible to cease all contact straightaway. Children, business contracts, marriages may need to be sorted out first. But as soon as you realize you’re dealing with a sociopath, you need to take steps to protect yourself.

Get copies of important paperwork and computer files. Store them in a friend’s house. If you do need to communicate use e-mail and keep all copies. Let their phone calls go to voice mail and save them. If you fear for your physical safety, take whatever steps are necessary. Get professional help if you need to.

Let other people know what’s happening, including your boss. Very often when you try and break off contact, a sociopath will try to begin to manipulate the people around you. Get them on your side first, before he tries to make you look bad and/or crazy. You are going to need support!

 

4. Do not give them more information about you 

Any information you give them can and will be used against you. This is important because you are dealing with a sociopath. This means you are dealing with a professional manipulator and you should expect that any personal information you give will be used to manipulate your emotions, blame you for what is happening and/or used to try to continue the relationship.

If you need to communicate, keep it short, stick to the facts (no opinions or personal thoughts) and communicate as if you know your communication is going to be read out in court.


5. Know your weaknesses 

Because the sociopath certainly does! And has been taking full advantage of them. At least if you understand what you’re weaknesses are it gives you a better chance of dealing with a sociopath because you will recognize when he is pressing your buttons.

And why you’re at it, check out your strengths too. Chances are the sociopath has been manipulating you by using them as well! For example, if you are good at helping people, he will want to be helped.

6. Pay attention to your instincts 

What are your instincts telling you? It’s difficult when dealing with a sociopath because due to the manipulation you have been overriding your instincts. What, for example, was your initial feeling on first meeting the sociopath? Did you give them the benefit of the doubt at the start for whatever reason? This is something you can never afford to do when dealing with a sociopath.

 

7. Do not try to reform them or give them more chances… 

There is no treatment for sociopathy/psychopathy. Often it makes them worse! They simply learn more about people’s behavior in therapy sessions and it gives them more ammunition for later. 

Somebody who has no conscience has no conscience. They’re not going to change. In fact, because of their big egos, arrogance and sense of entitlement, they think they are better than everybody else and see absolutely no reason to change.

And besides, doing this means that you are maintaining contact. See rule 3.

8. Educate yourself 

Read books about mind control, about psychopaths and watch moviesand videos. Apply the information to yourself. How were you deceived from the beginning? How did they keep the charade going? What techniques were they using? Why did you fall for them? This is all part of your recuperation for undoing the influence these charlatans had on you. 

 

9. Realize that it’s not your fault 

You have been dealing with a sociopath. You have been tricked, deceived and manipulated. Somebody was deliberately moulding your reality, influencing your decisions and directing your thinking and behavior. Whatever happened during this time is not your fault. You did not realize what was going on. You were not fully informed. If you need to, forgive yourself. And realize that you do not have to apologize to other people either, if you don’t want to.

Language of Integrity

 

 A sociopathic person is walled off from their inner core. How they present themselves to the world is a facade. Their operational system is power. To relate to them by playing the power game is a losing proposition because they are masters of the game and they will win at all cost. Two elements that are always present in a relationship with someone who is committed to the Sociopathic Style are fighting for one’s boundaries, and trying to ward off attacks.  A sociopath has no concept of himself, the other, or the other’s boundaries. The more severe the Sociopathic Style is in an individual, the less “self” or “other” exists. Therefore, it is important to present yourself so you are clearly heard and seen. Any confrontation needs to be handled cautiously.

One can test a sociopath’s commitment level to the Sociopathic Style of relating with the use of a tool called Language of Integrity, which was developed by Dr. John McCormick while working with couples in therapy, to help them work through their conflicts and deepen their intimacy.

It has been adapted to be used as a way to eliminate the Sociopathic Style in relationships.

Although the Language of Integrity is straightforward and simple in its explanation, it is difficult to use without practice. When using this helpful tool, one must be willing to reveal one’s feelings, the beliefs one holds about the other person and the relationship,  as well as what one truly needs.

It is through the vulnerability of self-exposure that we are able to test others and our own willingness to give up The Sociopathic Style.

A sociopathic personality will fight our attempts to maintain healthy boundaries, but they are ultimately powerless if our boundaries are well maintained and we are strong  psychologically, emotionally and spiritually.

If one counterattacks a sociopath after being attacked, the sociopath will attack even more powerfully. In the ensuing escalation, the sociopath will prevail. Good advice is to relate to one’s strength of self, not from a power position.

Many with the Sociopathic Style are not fully committed to the style. If they truly want intimacy and relationship, they will begin to modify the Sociopathic Style and change. If they are committed to the Sociopathic Style as is true in the true sociopathic personality, they will not change. When in conflict, the use of  Language of Integrity© will determine the degree of commitment to The Sociopathic Style™.

The Language of Integrity

  • I FEEL
  • I PERCEIVE
  • I BELIEVE
  • I DO
  • I NEED

The first stage when engaging in the Sociopathic Style is the “I FEEL” stage. You first express a feeling such as, “I feel upset.” The second stage is the “I PERCEIVE” stage. You then say exactly what you experienced. Do not say “You did x, y, and z”, but instead say “I saw you do x, y, and z.”  This permits them to say, “You are crazy, and I never did what you said you experienced.” They will most likely tell you that you are “always making things up”. At this point it makes no sense to go any further as they are not interested in you, what you feel or what you have experienced. Until they express an interest in knowing you, it does no good to fight to be heard or seen. This will only lead to escalation. You simply have to accept the reality that they are not interested in you. That hurts.

If they stop accusing you and start to receive you by listening to what you have to say and do not come back with a defense or an attack, you can move to the next stage of discussion. Usually, the reason for the confrontation is that you have been hurt or violated in some way and you don’t want it to happen again. This leads to the “I BELIEVE” stage. In this stage you are talking about what you believe about them on the basis of what you have experienced. This is the only time you can talk about the other person but you still put it in terms of yourself. In other words you present your belief about them not the “truth” about them.

Again, this allows them to tell you that you are wrong.  If they don’t, you can move to the “I DO” and the “I NEED” stages of the process. Allow them to tell you that you are wrong in your belief as this prevents escalation. If on the other hand they own up to the belief you hold about them you can move into an honest in-depth and constructive conversation. The persons committed to the psychopathic style will not own up to the “truth” about themselves. If this is so, it makes no sense to go on to the next step in the process. Nothing will be gained by continuing.

If, on the other hand, you move into a deeper conversation where both of you are “fair witnessing” yourselves and owning your parts in the problem example of “I DO” is something like, “I get scared and withdraw from you when that happens”; or “I get angry with you when that happens.”

The “I NEED” stage is that I need the thing that happened not to happen again. If there is agreement, time will tell as to whether the behavior changes or stays the same. If change does not occur the person may still be highly committed to the Sociopathic Style and you have to make a decision about what you do with the relationship.

The true sociopathic personality is not interested in a relationship and certainly is not going to change their behavior to maintain or improve the relationship. Nothing one does will alter that reality. We are all powerless to bring reformation to the sociopath. They will only change when they feel their inner void and realize power does nothing to fill that void. Only loving relationships will fill the emptiness and that comes from feeling loved.

©1994, Dr. John McCormick

How to spot a sociopath – 10 red flags that could save you from being swept under the influence of a charismatic nut job!

(NaturalNews) One of the more offensive duties of being an investigative journalist is taking out the trash — exposing liars, fraudsters, con artists and scammers for the people they truly are. Each time we investigate a sociopath, we find that they always have a little cult group following of spellbound worshippers who consider that particular sociopath to be a “guru” or “prophet.”

Sociopaths are masters at influence and deception. Very little of what they say actually checks out in terms of facts or reality, but they’re extremely skillful at making the things they say sound believable, even if they’re just making them up out of thin air. Here, I’m going to present quotes and videos of some legendary sociopaths who convinced everyday people to participate in mass suicides. And then I’m going to demonstrate how and why similar sociopaths are operating right now… today.

Why cover this subject? I’ve seen a lot of people get hoodwinked, scammed or even harmed by sociopaths, and it bewilders me that people are so easily sucked into their destructive influence. I want to share with Natural News readers the warning signs of sociopaths so that you can spot them, avoid them, and save yourself the trouble of being unduly influenced by them.

Much of this information is derived from the fascinating book, The Sociopath Next Door, which says that 4% of the population are sociopaths. The book is a fascinating read.

10 signs for spotting a sociopath

#1) Sociopaths are charming. Sociopaths have high charisma and tend to attract a following just because people want to be around them. They have a “glow” about them that attracts people who typically seek guidance or direction. They often appear to be sexy or have a strong sexual attraction. Not all sexy people are sociopaths, obviously, but watch out for over-the-top sexual appetites and weird fetishes.

#2) Sociopaths are more spontaneous and intense than other people. They tend to do bizarre, sometimes erratic things that most regular people wouldn’t do. They are unbound by normal social contracts. Their behavior often seems irrational or extremely risky.

#3) Sociopaths are incapable of feeling shame, guilt or remorse. Their brains simply lack the circuitry to process such emotions. This allows them to betray people, threaten people or harm people without giving it a second thought. They pursue any action that serves their own self interest even if it seriously harms others. This is why you will find many very “successful” sociopaths in high levels of government, in any nation.

#4) Sociopaths invent outrageous lies about their experiences. They wildly exaggerate things to the point of absurdity, but when they describe it to you in a storytelling format, for some reason it sounds believable at the time.

#5) Sociopaths seek to dominate others and “win” at all costs. They hate to lose any argument or fight and will viciously defend their web of lies, even to the point of logical absurdity.

#6) Sociopaths tend to be highly intelligent, but they use their brainpower to deceive others rather than empower them. Their high IQs often makes them dangerous. This is why many of the best-known serial killers who successfully evaded law enforcement were sociopaths.

#7) Sociopaths are incapable of love and are entirely self-serving. They may feign love or compassion in order to get what they want, but they don’t actually FEEL love in the way that you or I do.

#8) Sociopaths speak poetically. They are master wordsmiths, able to deliver a running “stream of consciousness” monologue that is both intriguing and hypnotic. They are expert storytellers and even poets. As a great example of this in action, watch this interview of Charles Manson on YouTube.

#9) Sociopaths never apologize. They are never wrong. They never feel guilt. They can never apologize. Even if shown proof that they were wrong, they will refuse to apologize and instead go on the attack.

#10) Sociopaths are delusional and literally believe that what they say becomes truth merely because they say it! Charles Manson, the sociopathic murderer, is famous for saying, “I’ve never killed anyone! I don’t need to kill anyone! I THINK it! I have it HERE! (Pointing to his temple.) I don’t need to live in this physical realm…”

Watch Charles Manson saying this at the 3:05 mark of this YouTube video.

How to dispel illusion and get to the truth

Sociopaths are masters at weaving elaborate fictional explanations to justify their actions. When caught red-handed, they respond with anger and threats, then weave new fabrications to explain away whatever they were caught doing.

A sociopath caught red-handed with a suitcase full of cash he just stole, for example, might declare he had actually rescued the money from being stolen by someone else, and that he was attempting to find its rightful owner. He’s the hero, see? And yet, in reality, he will simply pocket the money and keep it. If you question him about the money, he will attack you for questioning his honesty.

Sociopaths are masters are presenting themselves as heroes with high morals and philosophy, yet underneath it they are the true criminal minds in society who steal, undermine, deceive, and often incite emotional chaos among entire communities. They are masters at turning one group of people against another group while proclaiming themselves to be the one true savior. Wherever they go, they create strife, argument and hatred, yet they utterly fail to see their own role in creating it. They are delusional at so many levels that their brains defy logical reasoning.

You cannot reason with a sociopath. Attempting to do so only wastes your time and annoys the sociopath.

Tip for exposing sociopaths: Start fact-checking something they claim

One simple method for dispelling sociopathic delusion is to start fact checking their claims. Do any of their claims actually check out? If you start digging, you will usually find a pattern of frequent inconsistencies. Confront the suspected sociopath with an inconsistency and see what happens: Most sociopaths will become angry or aggressive when their integrity is questioned, whereas a sane person would simply be happy to help clear up any misinformation or misunderstanding.

Beware of fact-checking the sociopath by asking other people under his or her influence. A sociopath will usually have a small group of cult-like followers who not only believe their fictional tales, but who actually internalize those fictions to the point where they rewrite their own memories to be consistent with them. If a guru-style sociopath talks about his “levitation sessions” over and over again, some of his believers will sooner or later start to form false memories in which they imagine seeing him levitate off the floor. So if you ask those people, “Did you actually ever see this person levitate?” They will enthusiastically say, “Yes!” Because in their own minds, that illusion has become something indistinguishable from a vivid memory.

Much the same thing is true with sociopathic politicians. If a particularly charismatic politician claims he has “created millions of jobs” even though his economic policies have actually destroyed jobs and caused widespread unemployment, his cult-like followers will repeat his lie and publicly proclaim how many jobs that person has created.

That’s why fact-checking a sociopath requires evidence from outside his circle of influence. Does anything he say actually check out in the real world, outside his sphere of direct control? If not, you’ve probably spotted a sociopath.

Sociopaths never answer facts; they always attack the messenger

Another very valuable red flag to recognize when trying to spot a sociopath is to see how they deal with attacks on their own integrity. If a sociopath is presented with a collection of facts, documents and evidence showing that he lied or deceived, he will refuse to address the evidence and, instead, attack the messenger!

If you really try to nail a sociopath down to answering a documented allegation, they will quickly turn on you, denounce you, and declare that you too are secretly plotting against them. Anyone who does not fall for the brainwashing of the sociopath is sooner or later kicked out of the circle and then wildly disparaged by the remaining members of the cult group.

Inventing bizarre tales

One of the easiest signs to spot is how sociopaths exaggerate things to an irrational absurdity. In the sociopath’s world, every explanation is more intense and more heroic-sounding than the way it really went down. Where a normal person might say, “I vomited last night,” a sociopath would say, “I vomited up a 27-foot tapeworm!”

And a truly psychotic sociopath might even add details such as, “And then the tapeworm climbed up the wall and jumped on me and tried to strangle me!”

You might laugh at such an explanation, but I know lots of similar examples that have been believed by irrational cult followers. In fact, this example was patterned off of a real live person who had attracted quite a cult following in a particularly odd, fringe corner of dietary fads. (He also teaches his cult followers to eat rotten, putrefied meat as a form of medicine.)

Every story the sociopath weaves, often on the spur of the moment, is impossible to either confirm or deny. No one can prove him wrong, since they weren’t there, so he can spin whatever details into the story he wants. “After eating this, I had a three-hour ejaculation!” Or, “The Dalai Lama wanted to anoint me as a spiritual leader, but I declined, telling him that I only needed faith, not any official recognition.”

How can anyone disprove such a claim? They can’t. So the sociopaths relies on these un-provable, unsubstantiated claims to build up a false aura of authority, spirituality or knowledge. This creeps up on followers like a serpent, slithering into their brains and taking hold of their belief systems before they realize what has happened.

As a survivor of the Jim Jones “Jonestown” mass suicide says in a PBS documentary video (see link below), “Everything was plausible [at the time], except in retrospect the whole thing seems bizarre.”

That’s how sociopaths operate. As they’re speaking, they capture your imagination and sound reasonable, even authoritative. But in the clear light of day, what they are actually saying is absurd… even dangerous.

But no matter what fictions are presented by the sociopath, they always present him in the light of a hero — sometimes even a saint — who sacrifices his life for the good of others. He often talks of “healing” or “detoxification” or being “cleansed.” When he is exposed by truth-tellers, he merely accuses the truth-tellers of being secret undercover agents. When he is accused of sexual assault by one of his own followers (a common occurrence in these circles), he denounces her as an enemy or a spy.

The ultimate destination of a sociopath is to destroy himself and take as many willing victims with him as possible. This is the Jim Jones scenario: Drink the Kool-Aid laced with poison, and thereby prove your worth to your entire cult group.

A common theme of poison, sainthood, redemption

Interestingly, many sociopaths do indeed center their actions around a bizarre food or drink theme, often demanding their members eat or drink poisonous or highly offensive substances that no rational person would otherwise consume. The Heaven’s Gate cult, for example, was led by a classic sociopath named Marshall Applewhite. He managed to convince 38 followers to kill themselves by eating applesauce laced with phenobarbital.

Watch the fascinating video of Applewhite here and ask yourself: Would you follow this man to your own grave? (Other people did!)

Notice how Applewhite speaks with authority, clarity and some level of charisma? Notice the intensity of his eyes? This is another common trait among sociopaths (including Manson, above). Remember, this man gained such influence over his followers that they voluntarily killed themselves in order to maintain his approval!

As Wikipedia explains:

On March 19–20, 1997, Marshall Applewhite taped himself speaking of mass suicide and asserted “it was the only way to evacuate this Earth.” The Heaven’s Gate group was against suicide but they believed they had no choice but to leave Earth as quickly as possible. After claiming that a space craft was trailing the comet Hale-Bopp, Applewhite convinced 38 followers to commit suicide so that their souls could board the supposed craft. Applewhite believed that after their deaths, a UFO would take their souls to another “level of existence above human,” which Applewhite described as being both physical and spiritual. This and other UFO-related beliefs held by the group have led some observers to characterize the group as a type of UFO religion. In October 1996, the group purchased alien abduction insurance to cover up to 50 members at a cost of $10,000.

The cult rented a 9,200-sq.-ft. mansion, located at 18241 Colina Norte (later changed to Paseo Victoria), in a gated community of upscale homes in the San Diego-area community of Rancho Santa Fe, California from Sam Koutchesfahani, paying $7,000 per month in cash. The thirty-eight Heaven’s Gate members, plus group leader Applewhite, were found dead in the home on March 26, 1997. In the heat of the California spring, many of the bodies had begun to decompose by the time they were discovered. The corpses underwent autopsies, where cyanide and arsenic were found. The bodies were later cremated.

The suicide was accomplished by ingestion of phenobarbital mixed with applesauce or pudding, washed down with vodka. Additionally, plastic bags were secured around their heads after ingesting the mix to induce asphyxiation. Authorities found the dead lying neatly in their own bunk beds, faces and torsos covered by a square, purple cloth. Each member carried a five-dollar bill and three quarters in their pockets. All 39 were dressed in identical black shirts and sweat pants, brand new black-and-white Nike Decades athletic shoes, and armband patches reading “Heaven’s Gate Away Team” (one of many instances of the group’s use of the Star Trek fictional universe’s nomenclature). The adherents, between the ages of 26 and 72, are believed to have died in three groups over three successive days, with remaining participants cleaning up after each prior group’s death.

This episode speaks directly to the mind-altering power of sociopaths. Their delusions can be so convincing that followers will even kill themselves in order to stay in alignment with the expectations of the group. I know of a fringe health sociopath operating right now who has killed several of his own followers, but of course he always blames them for their own deaths. It’s never his fault, you see.

Sadly, even when one sociopath kills himself (and takes a few of his followers with him), there is always another sociopath waiting to take his place, seeking power, influence, and sometimes fame. It is common for sociopaths to strongly desire to be on television shows or to desperately seek out opportunities for short-term fame, often from engaging in bizarre acts or staging strange events. This is one of the ways in which they recruit followers to join their cult.

Jim Jones and drinking the Kool-Aid

The most horrifying master of sociopathic delusion was, of course, Jim Jones who convinced 900+ people to kill themselves by drinking poisoned Kool-Aid.

And people loved him for it! They felt inspired, excited, healed and guided. Jim Jones was their savior, their prophet. They believed his every word, and they paid for their foolish belief with their lives.

Click here to watch this powerful PBD documentary video about Jonestown.

As Jim Jones proved, people can be easily swept up into an irrational belief in a guru or prophet who quite literally plans to murder them.

This is the other dominant factor we see in dangerous sociopaths: An odd obsession with dead things, rotting things, putrid things… things that would cause a normal, mentally balanced person to shrink away in horror. Jim Jones, for example, was fascinated with death and would reportedly murder small animals and then hold funerals for them.

Jones was a master at invoking spiritual concepts and presenting himself as spiritually evolved. This is another common theme among sociopaths, and you see it among Applewhite, Manson, Jones and even present-day sociopaths who are operating in America right now.

Historically, perhaps the best example of a delusional sociopath was none other than Adolf Hitler. He showed all the classic signs: A brilliant orator, a congenital liar, a complete lack of compassion for others, a dominant, aggressive personality, and the invoking of spirituality to justify his actions. The Nazi Swastika symbol, in fact, is a derivation of the Flower of Life symbol derived from sacred geometry. See video explanation here.

The modern sociopath: A threat to us all

Sociopaths aren’t just a relic of history; I see their kind operating today, in 2012. A surprising number of people continue to fall for the delusional (but convincing) web of lies spun by wordsmithing sociopaths who may operate in almost any area of society: Science and physics, New Age circles, fringe health, self improvement and even “pop” spiritual development.

People from all walks of life allow themselves to be fooled by these sociopaths, buying into their false narratives, toxic products and destructive behavioral patterns, all driven into their heads through a complex web of social engineering, linguistics and emotional influence. Most people are completely unaware they have been mesmerized into these cult groups, just like the Jonestown people were completely unaware… or the Heaven’s Gate crowd.

There are people today, right now, who are zealous members of fringe cults that advocate drinking toxic metals dissolved in sulfuric acid, eating rotten meat festering with deadly bacteria, playing with poisonous snakes or even dehydrating yourself in a sweat lodge to the point where you suffer hallucinations that are then interpreted as “spiritual guidance.”

These cults are operating right here in America, and they are led by sociopaths who follow in the footsteps of monsters like Jim Jones and Marshall Applewhite. Some of today’s cult followers will pay for their misplaced faith with their lives. Others will eventually come to their senses and wonder how they could have been so completely blinded by a false prophet.

Seven rules for personal empowerment (without joining a cult)

The most shocking realization to take home from all this is that people who live under the spell of a sociopath almost never realize it until after the spell has been broken. Just as the worshippers of Jim Jones believed his organization to be based in love, life and light, people today who worship sociopathic, charismatic leaders usually have no idea they have already surrendered their will to someone who does not have their best interests at heart.

This is why, here at Natural News, I have always taught people the following authentic principles of responsibility and power:

#1) Think for yourself. Be skeptical of everything. Most people, corporations, governments and institutions are lying to you. There is much good in the world, but there is far more selfishness and greed which is falsely presented as that which is good.

#2) Follow your inner truth, not some external guru. Any guru who demands your obedience is a false prophet. A real teacher is one who empowers you and sets you free to explore your life experience with complete freedom tempered by a code of morals and personal responsibility.

#3) Serve in the protection of life, with or without a church or spiritual group. You can protect life every day in your own garden. Resist the seduction of profit and power that comes from serving darkness (i.e. working for Big Pharma or pesticide companies). Seek to protect life, which is sacred and precious.

#4) Value all living things, including animals and plants. You are their shepherd. Protect the diversity of life and the integrity of the continuation of life. (For example, resist GMO and plant only non-hybrid seeds.)

#5) Live an authentic life. Practice what you teach. Walk your talk. Do not speak with one face and then secretly act out another. Spiritual strength comes from spiritual authenticity, and even if the world isn’t aware of what you do when no one is looking, God and the universe most certainly are. Karma counts.

#6) Defend the innocent. Stand your ground against bullies. Resist tyranny. Promote freedom, liberty and justice. Help others when you can, and seek to empower others with the skills and knowledge they can use to support themselves rather than creating dependency.

#7) Tell the truth. It is powerful… perhaps the most powerful thing in the universe. The truth unfailingly outshines lies and deceptions. And even when the people around you may not see the truth, the greater universe does. By telling the truth, you empower yourself in all areas of your life, and you bring yourself closer to true spiritual understanding.

Learn more by NOT joining my cult

My name is Mike Adams, the editor of NaturalNews.com. I do not have a cult to offer you, but I do have a free email newsletter (see below) that you can subscribe to without joining a cult. As an explorer of the world around us, I investigate and write about psychology, health freedom, science, spirituality, history, economics and more. You probably won’t agree with everything I write, and if you did, that would be a failure on my part to get you thinking, wouldn’t it?

I’m an advocate of the Socratic method to finding knowledge: Ask intelligent questions and let the student find their own way… and their own wisdom.

If you’d like to be alerted via email when I publish new articles, simply enter your email address in the form below, then watch your inbox for more links to more provocative, thoughtful articles published here on Natural News.

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About the author:Mike Adams (aka the “Health Ranger“) is the founding editor of NaturalNews.com, the internet’s No. 1 natural health news website, now reaching 7 million unique readers a month. 

In late 2013, Adams launched the Natural News Forensic Food Lab, where he conducts atomic spectroscopy research into food contaminants using high-end ICP-MS instrumentation. With this research, Adams has made numerous food safety breakthroughs such as revealing rice protein products imported from Asia to be contaminated with toxic heavy metals like lead, cadmium and tungsten. Adams was the first food science researcher to document high levels of tungsten in superfoods. He also discovered over 11 ppm lead in imported mangosteen powder, and led an industry-wide voluntary agreement to limit heavy metals in rice protein products to low levels by July 1, 2015. 

In addition to his lab work, Adams is also the (non-paid) executive director of the non-profit Consumer Wellness Center (CWC), an organization that redirects 100% of its donations receipts to grant programs that teach children and women how to grow their own food or vastly improve their nutrition. Click here to see some of the CWC success stories. 

With a background in science and software technology, Adams is the original founder of the email newsletter technology company known as Arial Software. Using his technical experience combined with his love for natural health, Adams developed and deployed the content management system currently driving NaturalNews.com. He also engineered the high-level statistical algorithms that power SCIENCE.naturalnews.com, a massive research resource now featuring over 10 million scientific studies. 

Adams is well known for his incredibly popular consumer activism video blowing the lid on fake blueberries used throughout the food supply. He has also exposed “strange fibers” found in Chicken McNuggetsfake academic credentials of so-called health “gurus,” dangerous “detox” products imported as battery acid and sold for oral consumption, fake acai berry scams, the California raw milk raids, the vaccine research fraud revealed by industry whistleblowers and many other topics. 

Adams has also helped defend the rights of home gardeners and protect the medical freedom rights of parents. Adams is widely recognized to have made a remarkable global impact on issues like GMOs, vaccines, nutrition therapies, human consciousness. 

In addition to his activism, Adams is an accomplished musician who has released ten popular songs covering a variety of activism topics. 

Click here to read a more detailed bio on Mike Adams, the Health Ranger, at HealthRanger.com. 

 

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