If I do nothing, the cancer in my body will eventually spread and take over everything until it kills me. Would it be painful? It isn’t now. I don’t know if I want to continue to survive my life or if I should just let it go. I’ve lived already. I’ve done so much of what I wanted to do. Right now there’s nothing but pain and sacrifice in the future. What’s to live for? Why shouldn’t I die now? The thought of growing old has never been appealing to me. Ever since I was a very young girl, I’ve always had the thought, the idea that I would not grow old. A premonition perhaps but it wasn’t fear. I don’t fear getting older. I just always felt that I wouldn’t see my face growing long wrinkles, or my hair getting whiter and whiter and my body slowly deteriorating. I’ve always felt that it wasn’t my fate. The cancer I have seems more in line with that, it seems fated.
I’m trying to be strong and stay tough, see it through because that’s what everyone expects me to do and I hate to disappoint anyone. Deep down inside I can’t deny the will to fight is waning. I keep trying to find something in my life that I want to fight for, something that I could build strength from, to give me purpose and I can’t grasp anything, not one single thing. Family, once but it’s lead to extreme disappointment for me backed by cruelty and ignorance. My children would be a great resource if they didn’t already shut me out of their lives and told me I was poison to them. Love, well, my marriage is a complete failure, there’s nothing there but hurt, rage, distrust and betrayal. My friends wouldn’t understand that they are not enough but it’s the reality I face. I don’t love anything as deeply as what has already lead to heartbreak, failure and disbelief. I could fight it and live another 30 years but, why when all life has offered has made me suffer. The moments, small moments of happiness, well, I would trade them all in for a peaceful, uneventful life. I’ve been waiting for the miracle, something to show me that I have to fight to stay alive but I’ve only been answered with this ticket of departure. Maybe the cancer is a sign that it’s time for me to go.
Warrior Moon 